Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“Can you hold scissors?”
“Welcome to SuperCuts”
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.