@wickedimproper

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@wickedimproper

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

@wickedimproper

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.