Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean