Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.