@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

@wildethingy

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

@wildethingy

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

@wildethingy

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

@wildethingy

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

@wildethingy

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

@wildethingy

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.