*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry