Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
You Might Also Like
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“No way.” -Jose
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room