The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue