We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
You Might Also Like
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember