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Page of wittwitbarista's best tweets

@wittwitbarista : *plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

@wittwitbarista: You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

@wittwitbarista: I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

@wittwitbarista: I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

@wittwitbarista: Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@wittwitbarista: *2 days before payday*
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

@wittwitbarista: Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you "Well, did you look?"Or "did you look-look?"

@wittwitbarista: By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I'm able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@wittwitbarista: I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like "do you know how fast you were going?"Or "is that a raccoon smoking a joint?"

@wittwitbarista: I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.