explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.