getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing