Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
😩😩😩
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me