lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you