We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.