Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means