no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
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When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*