Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
If life was a fairytale I’d be the big bad wolf looking for his Red Riding Hood but stuck eating your granny instead
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward