I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..