@woodmuffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

@woodmuffin

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him ūüôĀ

@woodmuffin

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

@woodmuffin

Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??