[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
You Might Also Like
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
just got my engagement photos
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
This will teach them to underestimate me
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD