I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
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Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Can’t. Being lazy.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I wish I were this cool 😂
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.