[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
me adding lol on a serious message
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows