Ghost costume 😂
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i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.