The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”