When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
The struggle is real
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.