Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities