The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.