Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
“We will wed,” I threatened
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.