Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
You Might Also Like
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?