INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
You Might Also Like
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Netflix: We have Less
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Geez man, take it easy.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now