@xLiserx: *Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
"Oh no! My research!!"
@xLiserx: *First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.
@xLiserx: *Wakes up in Superman's body*
Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*
@xLiserx: Me: Why doesn't he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
@xLiserx: *Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
@xLiserx: My autocorrect just changed "I'm off" to "I'm DTF" and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
@xLiserx: Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.