Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of xLiserx's best tweets

@xLiserx : People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

@xLiserx: *Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
"Oh no! My research!!"

@xLiserx: *First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.

@xLiserx: *Wakes up in Superman's body*

Me: Holy crap! I'm finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night's pizza & puts on Netflix*

@xLiserx: I wear a French maid's outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

@xLiserx: Me: Why doesn't he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

@xLiserx: *Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

@xLiserx: My autocorrect just changed "I'm off" to "I'm DTF" and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

@xLiserx: Me: Can't. I'm exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It's pronounced 'croissant' & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@xLiserx: Ran into my ex on the street. He's got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.