SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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I need better friends
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Personal question. #JustSaying
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.