Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
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* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I feel this so hard
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.