What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
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Overindulged this afternoon.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
🤣
Terribly Tuesday.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)