amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
You Might Also Like
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This meal prepping shit easy
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.