Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
the #horror is real!
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.