A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
We’ve all been there…
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine