Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
incredible
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
it be like that
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
moms in horror movies
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do