3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
me and my fake scenarios
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
this post was so formative to me
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead