Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Bootstraps
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
(by @ZachWeiner )
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.