SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week