The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.