Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
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Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.