I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
twitter is a journey
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months