Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.