Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Whoa… oh I see lol
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I identify as an antique shop.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket