friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.