I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Knock Knock
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Life cycle of cat
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.