there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
You Might Also Like
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Very problematic
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.