ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Seems kinda suspicious
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too