@yonewt

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

@yonewt

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

@yonewt

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

@yonewt

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

@yonewt

It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag

@yonewt

WANTED: crew for submarine movie
Must enjoy:
—violently throwing oneself from side to side;
—getting positively drenched;
—shouting while turning a bunch of valves except one that just won’t budge dammit

@yonewt

the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@yonewt

panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.