I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex